So it is your first weekend away with your new boyfriend or girlfriend, and you realize that there is going to come a moment when you have to poop. And that moment may come first thing in the morning or maybe you are a night time pooper, but you know it will happen. And maybe you just aren’t ready to take your relationship to the “don’t go in there because it smells like I sacrificed a large animal” level. So what do you do? I’m glad you asked because being a “regular” guy I have this all figured out. You have two choices when it comes to dropping a deuce on your first weekend away.
First, you can say you are taking a shower and when you go into the bathroom you quickly squat, drop, and roll. Meaning, you go to the bathroom, do your business, and then turn on the water as you get your toilet paper off the roll (stealth swipe and wipe) and then you get in the shower. Take a long shower with the exhaust fan on and you may get lucky and kill the smell. I’ve found that using a high fragrance shampoo all over the body can act as a nice deodorizer. It’s called shamPOO for a reason! You may even want to put some shampoo in the sink and then fill the sink full of water and bubbles. This too can kill the smell of nearly anything. Well, unless you have that sulfurish “I’m toxic as hell” type poops. If that is the case then you definitely need to move to option number 2.
The other option is to time your bomb drop for when they get in the shower. As soon as the new honey bunny shuts the door you have to immediately move toward the lobby of the hotel. This is where you will always find a nice bathroom. This is also the best option if you are a slow pooper, because you can relax and not feel the need to rush things. Often times you can snag a free USA Today from the lobby on your way to the bathroom. However, don’t (I repeat) don’t carry it back to the room with you, because if your new love is coming out of the shower you are basically screaming, “I had to take a sh*t!” So, if possible just grab something like your sunglasses or those flip flops from the car, and carry them into the room. This is very important for men, because a woman will always ask, “Where’d ya go?” A guy usually won’t ask a woman that question, because we subconsciously know you just went to poop. However, we will never bring it up, because we like to pretend (as do you) that you never ever do the number two.